I have a dream. A dream of walking through a colorfully lush yard brimming with fruit, vegetables, flowers, and herbs. A few hens scamper on by while my rabbits wrinkle their noses at me as if to say, "Hey, fruit basket! Are you sure you can do this? It's not too late to wake up." Meanwhile, the deer are simultaneously squashing melons while munching on squash, the wild rabbits are nibbling on the lettuce, the birds are snatching the blueberries, and the chipmunks are digging  in the potato patch! Then the ground freezes over and everything I worked so hard for crumbles before me. I wake up to procrastinate yet another day. Just one of many nightmares where my fears make me feel helpless.

     I was an Atlanta rollergirl until just this last year. Roller derby was both physically demanding and mentally engaging. I loved it so much! Roller derby helped me find myself and helped me to set goals and pursue them. It was the first time in a long time I was passionate about something & had no fear of following through. Then a terrible day came. I took a bad fall at practice shattering my ankle, breaking 2 bones in my leg, and tearing a ligament. My derby "career" came to a screeching halt. What was my back up plan? How was I going to work? What would I do with myself?!

     I was lucky to have so many wonderfully supportive people in my life who helped me literally and figuratively get back on my own 2 feet. I lost my job. I was bedridden for 2 whole months followed by a few more months of physical therapy. I became disconnected from the one activity that made me feel good about myself. I got really depressed and frustrated. But I also learned to dream for the future...

     Why should I let something negative snowball and turn me into a completely useless sap? It was a chance at a truly fresh start. At the urging of my boyfriend I began to do research. All of a sudden Mother Earth News never seemed so appealing. I've always liked the idea of producing and creating whether it be art, food, clothing, etc. Naturally the idea of growing my own food was appealing. But part of a fresh start is knowing who you are, what you want, and what you can realistically accomplish. I have been a failure at so much in life that I was really scared of delving into something new. There's no worse feeling that being a disappointment to yourself. I tried what we can call, 'the neglected garden' right before I got involved in roller derby. Because I was spreading myself thinly I forgot all about my garden. Strangely, I was still able to produce tons of radishes, blueberries, and zucchini. I lucked out! After much consideration, I came to the conclusion that I should give homesteading a red hot go. I believe it would be mentally and physically challenging and also rewarding. If I don't have something to engage me I will surely turn into a slug.

     I spent the summer getting to know some of the local organic farmers. I got to experience what food was meant to be like! The tomatoes, the peppers, the sweet potatoes, the fresh eggs, and goat's milk! It was mind-blowing. I've never tasted a tomato so sweet or an egg so rich. Fresh, local, and organic. That's the path for me! I learned to knit. I learned to can. I learned to bake bread from scratch. I wanted a simple, honest, and pure way of life. I watched a lot of enraging documentaries about Monsanto. I went to the supermarket and frowned at the fruits & vegetables that I knew had been soaking in pesticides and picked unripe. This stuff just didn't compare. But I have to have fruits & vegetables in my diet all year long! This was a compromise I no longer wanted to make. Again, homesteading seemed the way to go. 

     My lofty goal is to convert the majority of our backyard into a living grocery store. If I could provide food for 2 for a full year (including food I've canned) I will know my efforts were not a waste. I am hoping to make homesteading my full time job from here on out. Not only will we save money, but our bodies. I am also a firm believer that working with the earth is good for the soul. Nothing could give me more satisfaction than thinking, "What are we going to eat today? I'll just step outside and see what's fresh & ready!" I've been planning for months and still find ways to procrastinate. I know it's my deep seeded fear of failure. If I mess this up then I will have no one to blame but myself. I couldn't stand the disappointment. How pathetic! Although I am going into this with full  knowledge that it will take time for me to get my bearings as a gardener. It will also take time for me to figure out how to keep pests at bay organically. It will also take time for the ground to give back. There are so many variables to consider that it all seems so overwhelming!

     But today I took a big step. I decided to just jump in and not over think my situation to point of hinderance. I planted my first "early tomatoes," lettuce, lemon balm, and marigolds (hoping they keep the deer away) in the greenhouse. The worse that can happen is my crops all fail. Yes, I will feel like a failure...but hopefully I will have learned what went wrong. It's a very scary possibility. But, this will be the hands-on learning year. I hope to emerge more knowledgeable, more confident, and healthier. I want to create the kind of life I want to live and be proactive. Here's to a fresh start!